THE SURRENDERED WIFE… Really?

Can you believe it’s been a year since I started the journey to become a Godly wife? 

Many of you were along for the ride… and what a wild one it was, yes?  Well I wanted to re-release this series for those of you who did not participate… and for those who need to be reminded of why God calls us to SURRENDER.

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Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. (Ephesians 5:22-24 MSG)

I know, I know…

Am I really going to talk about… Surrendering?  Submitting?  Yielding?

Yes.

We act like it’s a torturous concept, but it isn’t. 

We joke as if it’s a form of bondage for us, but it’s not. 

I’d like to suggest the problem is that we just don’t understand it.

And we need to.  Because submitting God’s way versus submitting the world’s way is vastly different.

Surrendering to your husbands DOES NOT mean:

  • Living like the Cleaver family
  • Never having an opinion
  • Dumbing down your level of intelligence or ability
  • Allowing yourself to be walked on
  • Being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen

Not even a little.

Being surrendered is really all about us stepping into our God-created role as wives, which He designed to bring out the best in both you and your husband.

How do you know if you need to be… surrendered?  Start by asking yourself these questions:

  1. Do you feel superior to your husband?
  2. Do you find yourself nagging him?
  3. Do you think life would be better if your husband did what you told him to do?
  4. Do you feel like the only adult in the family?
  5. Do you do things for your husband he is capable of doing himself?
  6. Do you find you’re disinterested in sex?
  7. Do you reject or criticize his gifts or complements?
  8. Do you feel hopeless about your marriage because your needs have gone unmet for so long?
  9. Do you find yourself angry when he makes a wrong decision?
  10. Do you fantasize about divorce or life with a man who would better match you?

If you answered YES to most of these, then chances are you’re not walking in the surrendered role God wants you to walk in.

Still with me?

Sisters, this has been an interesting journey for me over the past few months. At a friend’s suggestion, I’m reading a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle (the above questions came from this book). While I don’t agree with everything, it’s offered some great advice and has been quite an eye-opener.

You know what I’ve discovered?

I’m not a surrendered wife.

But I am working on that now.

When I take a step back from C O N T R O L L I N G my husband, it allows him to take a step forward in being the L E A D E R that God’s called him to be.

And the most interesting things are happening, like…

His confidence as a husband and father is growing.

His authority at work is expanding.

He is assuming more of a leadership role at home.

He’s feeling better about who he is.

Why?  Because I am… surrendering.

  • I’m not reminding him of things he needs to do (like take out the trash or pick up his clothes).
  • I’m learning to respect his ideas and suggestions (they are actually really good!).
  • I’m graciously receiving his gifts and thanking him for them (and I am getting more of them).
  • I’m expressing what I want without controlling the outcome (duct tape works well).
  • I’ve turned over all household finances to him (and he’s doing a much better job than I was!).

I’m trying to be vulnerable instead of nag… Respect instead of demean… Be grateful rather than dissatisfied… Have faith in him rather than doubt.

And what I’m discovering is that – for me – it all boils down to a core struggle.

T R U S T.

That simple 5-letter word that is anything but… simple.  At least not for me.

I’ll be honest… putting my full confidence in anyone but me is difficult.  And while self-reliance worked fine in my single life, it doesn’t work well in my marriage.

Are you finding the same struggle?

But God is so gracious.  He loves us too much to leave us where we are.

And in this season of my marriage… God is changing me.  He’s showing me where I am out of alignment with His will for my role as wife. He is showing me that my lack of trust affects the health of our marriage.

And God wants our marriages to thrive.

I wonder, is your marriage… thriving?

Think about it.  Control and intimacy are opposites.  If we want one, we can’t have the other.

When we control our husbands, we aren’t trusting them.

Without trust, we can’t be vulnerable.

Without that vulnerability, intimacy is impossible. 

Without intimacy, there isn’t an emotional connection.

And… when marriages lose emotional connection… they die.

That’s not okay with me.  I hope it not okay with you, either.

I’m going to spend some time over the next few months unpacking this issue of… surrendering.

Will you journey through this with me?

REALITY CHECK:  When we stop controlling our husbands, they have the room they need to lead.

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©2013 Carey Scott

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About Carey Scott

Carey Scott is an inspirational speaker, author and life coach, honest about her walk with the Lord… stumbles, fumbles and all. She challenges women to be real... not perfect.

Comments

  1. Thank you Carey for touching on this very delicate subject. My marriage has significally changed since I gave my husband the reigns to lead us. And best part of it is that I DON’T feel like I’m being stepped on or like I have no worth just because I surrender to my husband. God is so good!

  2. Thank u for a very timely and thought provoking post… I appreciate ur willingness to be so candid and real about every aspect of ur life… This is a topic God is placing out in front for me as a wife and also as a child of God… It is hard to take those steps- but it is also sweet to feel trust and intimacy grow with both God and my man:). Surrender is both risky and and sweet – a faith grower for sure! So glad God doesn’t allow us to stay where we shouldn’t be… And glad u r willing to share ur journey in surrendering- may u be blessed beyond measure!

    • Amanda… love the line, “Surrender is both risky and and sweet – a faith grower for sure!” It is definitely that! There is something really cool, however about stepping back and watching him bloom. :)

  3. Thank you Carey for bringing up our behaviors in marriage. I look forward to the things God is wanting to work on in ME. I love that God wants an alive and thriving marriage – in all areas. Let the revival start in our homes!!!

  4. I am definitely on board! My favorite part of this article was “When we control our husbands, we aren’t trusting them…etc.” So THAT’S where my sex life went! Thank you for making the submission question so understandable. I was always bothered by all the seemingly grey areas. I may have to read the book, too. :)

  5. I have been working on this as well, some days I do great, others I FAIL miserably. I am looking forward to the reminders your blog and the Mom’s Together Facebook page will bring me. I want a marriage that flourishes, not fails!

  6. it’s funny—I feel the exact opposite. I feel like the kid! I never have to nag my husband. In fact, I rarely ask him to do anything at all! He notices what needs to be done around the house, not me. I’m the one who needs to be reminded to do her chores or, you know, COOK DINNER. Oops. I think God matched us perfectly—considering I’m the husband and he’s the wife!

  7. Hey Carey. Thanks for your article. . . coming from a single guy who just began a relationship. Do you have any reading suggestions for being a biblical husband?

    • Joe… I LOVE that you asked for book suggestions! What a wonderful husband you are going to make! Here are a few that will give you some insight into a woman’s heart and what her needs are: “Capture Her Heart: Becoming the Godly Husband Your Wife Desires” (TerKeurst)… AND … “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” (Eldredge). Be blessed, brother!

  8. Sweet sister! I will totally join u on this venture! Very timely as I have dedicated this year to surrender in all areas. And I have to confess, I’m not doing real well!! sadly I could answer yes to just about every one of those questions!! So, I’m in!! You r a blessing!

  9. The scripture reference does not match the scripture written here.The lesson here is so needed today.

  10. Cheryl Cokes says:

    Good article, I amy just have to buy this book ASAP!! I was just talking to my sister though and brought up some points about my husband and some areas where I have given up control (son’s homework) and he has dissappointed by me and the kids! how do I just walk away and not say anything when I see my kids suffer from such irresponsibility! When my son fights him on homework or brushing his teeth or washing properly, John just gives up and walks away b/c he can’t stand confrontation! How can I just say ” oh that’s okay”

    • Cheryl… that’s a tough situation. I think this would be a great book for you to read (although he doesn’t need to know you are reading it). It gives some pratical, day-to-day ways to respond to our husbands. There are some things that you – as a mom – will have to pick up the slack on though… like teeth brushing, homework, and safety issues. Maybe you can step back on the trash going out or other things that won’t “hurt” you or the kids. Girl, this is a journey and I bless you in it…

  11. I fail in this area of my walk every single day. Recently the Lord showed me that I do not love unconditionally, that I have not dealt with disappointment, and trust, because of those disappointments is a huge factor, not an excuse . . . well, maybe to some extent it is; I don’t know. What I do know is the Lord showing me about loving unconditionally and every Bible study, devotion, blog post, etc has been pointing towards that and bringing the “dark to light.” Good word. Can’t say I liked reading it all because love leaves us vulnerable . . . but the message is clear and it was for me. Love your insight and thankful for your realness ;)

  12. Carey…I’m not liking this one! Go figure!

  13. Thank you Carey for doing this! This is timely for me as I am working on just this very thing. This past weekend I attended a “Love and Respect” video conference that was OUTSTANDING on this topic so, armed w/ that information and joining you here is surely a gift from God for my ill marriage! I love the Lord so much and in my desire to be completely surrendered to Him, I must learn to respect/submit to my husband. After 35 years, you’d think I’d know how to do that! Not so. So I am excited to ‘tag along’ w/ you in this. Thanks so much for your insight and encouragement.

  14. I’d have no problem living like the Cleaver’s. She had awesome clothes and time to grocery shop and cook and clean for her family…
    I need to do this walk with all you fine ladies.

  15. I decided to go back and read the entire series! Thanks again for posting this…helping marriages!! God bless

    • lifemoreabundantly… I’m so glad you enjoyed them. I’m in the trenches of a book based on this series. It will have devos not published online before… a man’s perspective after each topic… as well as tips and tools. I’m printing in limited quantity, so let me know if you’d like me to save you a book (due out this fall). If yes, email me at careylscott@gmail.com and let me know. Thanks!

  16. Tammy Sammon says:

    I’m sure glad you re released this – I needed to seriously hear that TODAY. Bless you Carey!

  17. theperkster says:

    Trusting your husband loves you as Christ loves the church. Willing to give himself for you. Great post, love your vulnerability. http://choosetotrust.com/2013/05/encouraging-masculinity-in-marriage/

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Comments « The Surrendered Wife… Really? [...]

  2. [...] We’ve decided we want better marriages. [...]

  3. [...] before I decided to walk this journey of surrendering to my husband, those words would have never passed through my [...]

  4. [...] us to examine in her series of blog posts entitled, “The Surrendered Wife”.  Here she shares her journey towards surrender in her goal to become a more godly wife.  Here is an [...]

  5. [...] last week’s blog post, I announced my journey to become a surrendered wife… and I invited you to walk this path [...]

  6. [...] us to examine in her series of blog posts entitled, “The Surrendered Wife”.  Here she shares her journey towards surrender in her goal to become a more godly wife.  Here is an [...]

  7. [...] looked at why we need to [...]

  8. [...] before I decided to walk this journey of surrendering to my husband, those words would have never passed through my [...]

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